miss you.

I miss him so much.

Hanya mampu merintih hanya menangis untuk hilangkan rasa rindu.

Esok kakngah pegi jumpa yan kejap eh.

Tunggu.

birthday month of him. September.

Wehh rindunyaaa kat arwah yan. Bulan ni birthday yan. Yan kakngah rindu. Sangat.

Nervousness

May Allah ease my PhD journey...Amin.

Now  it is time to sprint!!

You can do it Hida!

Yes you cannnn!!

Until when?

Alhamdulillah. Lepas hampir 10 bulan arwah yan takde, mungkin hati ni dah kuat sikit. Tak menangis  setiap hari dah. Walaupun ada jugak hari yang rindu teramat amat kat arwah yan.

Tapi,

Bila hati ni terlebih gembira pada hari tertentu, at last mesti akan sedih. Sebab rasa kehilangan ni amat besar sampai tak boleh nak rasa bahagia. Contoh hari ni, main kat water themepark seharian dengan labmates, I'm so happy but in the end, masa nak tidur ni, teringat semua kegembiraan dengan arwah yan buatkan hati ni sedih sangat. Sangat. Everytime rasa happy mesti akan teringat arwah yan.

Dulu klau family ktorg pergi water theme park, klau pelampung yang dua orang naik tu, mesti along akan naik dengan adik na. Aku mesti dengan arwah yan. Rindu nya Ya Allah.

Ok dah tak mampu nak taip lagi.

Crying.

Selamat hari raya.

First raya that was completely different.

I once thought that my raya will be different after my brother, Along married. I imagined that our siblings wont be completed anymore because Along have to raya at the his in law's house. But I do thought that it still fine because I still having arwah Yan with me. I'm closer with Along and arwah Yan rather than my sister. I don't why but maybe I spent more time with them. In the back time, I always follow both of them took wedding photos everywhere and during waiting my master's viva, I spent almost 3 months helping them printing the T-shirts. Every day we waking up, eating, and sleeping at the same time at the same house. That is where our siblings relationship bonding. And just to tell you, after my brother married, I get closer and closer to arwah Yan. Because I only have him with me. To accompany me to wherever I wanna go..hehe. As I already enter UPM to pursue my study and arwah Yan at KLMU but still staying with Along at Mantin, every weekend, if  we got free time either we going back to hometown or hanging out together. Sometimes with Along and Kak siti and sometimes only both of us. This time my sister was studying away from us. So thats the reason I didn't talk much about her.

Oh no, I should talking about raya. Sorry!

I'm so grateful that our raya 2016 my brother decided to raya at our house first because I'm not ready yet to witness missing family member on the first day raya. I'm even more
grateful now because if not, two years in row our raya family potrait got missing member. Well, at least I can keep the 2016 raya memories forever.

And now,

Raya 2017,

I'm actually missing both of my wings. Both Along and arwah Yan TIADA. Along at his in law's hometown and arwah Yan with Him. I forget that 'manusia hanya merancang, Allah yang menentukannya'. I accept this is a test from Him for me. Learn to let go, learn to remember Him even more. Alhamdullilah, I still have mak, ayah and adik Na in this raya. Alhamdullillah. Thank you Allah for still giving me time to be with them.

Well, my sister only arrived at our hometown at 1.30 am before raya. Which means that only me doing all the works. Yes, I'm all alone. It was sooo exhausted! Never in my raya I am that tired. First day raya, after went to atuk, wan, makngah house, for the first time I sleep back for hours. Just woke up with the handphone's sounds when whatsapp group from 'Konvo Combo' start to pop out nak ajak beraya. Hahaha. What a name. I still laughing at the group name. I supposed to mute all the whatsapp groups except  fews groups including konvo combo. Why this group kinds of special to me because they all I have rather than other so called friends at my hometown.

Eh, I'm so sorry for off topic again.

😆
Maybe it's the sign that I should writing for now. Okay that's my raya 2017 story.
Selamat hari raya maaf zahir batin.



P/s: I'm in mood to write in english, so pardon my grammar! My bad 😊

I miss u so much paan my only little brother.

Allah. Tolong aku ya Allah. Kuatkan hati ni. Why I'm still crying? Why. Don't let me crying too hard again. Semoga aku bukan tergolong dalam orang yang meratapi kematian. I'm crying because the memories with him keep playing in my head. Amd tonight because his friends repost the facebook memories and I see the picture of him. Smiling brightly. I miss his smile his laugh.

Ramadhan yang tidak pernah sama seperti ramadhan sebelum ini

7 bulan pemergian yan. Ya. Tetap tiada sehari pun lupakan yan. Walau naik bukit turun bukit, memandu di jalan lurus, jalan bengkang bengkong, jalan kaki, berlari, berjogging, bermain ping pong badminton, menonton tv, mengadap komputer, tetap terbayang, Tetap di malam hari masih ade sisa tangisan yang masih tak boleh berhenti lagi. Lemahnya hambaMu ini Ya Allah.

Malam esok bermula ramadhan tahun ni. Ramadhan yang semua orang nantikan. Ramadhan yang akan aku lalui yang tidak akan pernah sama seperti ramadhan sebelum ini.

Hebatkan ujian Allah ni

Harini bangun pagi, I'm crying like crazy again.

Because,

I dreamt of my little brother, he sat and was listening to my story only. Dia diam je tak cakap ape, Dalam mimpi tu, aku je potpet potpet.. ending mimpi ni habis camtu jee. I miss him so much.

Lepas tu, mimpi lain, my friends and I was on our way to somewhere, while we arrived at housing area, suddenly  the car in front of us hits a child.

and that child died.

so what do you expect from me not to cry when i woke up this morning. Mimpi dua perkara ni skli gus. Conclusion harini aku sangat sensitive. Pagi ni je aku upset dengan labmate. Dia gurau je tapi taktahula kenapa terasa sangat. Selalu tu no matter at all.

Mungkin stress dengan hal research kot, dengan paper, dengan experiment so dia macam banyak sangat nak fikir. To be honest, aku suka bila aku busy ni, takdela suka fikir jauh fikir macam2. Atleast aku fikir research je. Thank you Allah atas semua ni. Aku bersyukur.

What's happening to me?

Every step that i take now is way too hard. Full of torns. Until when i have to face this. I can't afford to go through this journey. Too difficult. My duty as student, my duty as daughter or maybe now as son too.

- Yesterday in my sleep, I dreamed of my late little brother. As soon as I woke up, this heart felt like someone got to stab me. It's sooo painful. Instantly, my eyes non-stop shed the tears. Because it's very very painful.

Sunyi.

Baru sekarang aku mengerti erti kesunyian. Ye aku terlalu rindukan masa dahulu. Sekarang aku rasa alu seperti tak punya siapa. Aku bukanlah seorang yang suka meluahkan perasaan pada ibu bapa kadang kadang hanya kawan kawan jadi tempat luahan. Dan kini aku tiada langsung tempah meluah. Kawan kawan sekepala pun dah tak banyak. Yang ada pun sibuk bekerja ataupun nun jauh beratus kilometer. Kebanyakan dah berkahwin. Tak boleh nak text call selalu. Apa kata suami diorang pulak. Kawan berseronok pun apetah lagi. Dulu mungkin tiada kawan adik beradik jadi kawan berseronok hilangkan stress. Kini, bila abang dah berkahwin dah lain. Dia ade tanggungjawab terhadap orang lain. Dulu, ade jugak adik jadi peneman kesana kemari kini dia dah pergi dulu tinggalkan dunia. Ade adik lagi sorang, jujur kami kurang keserasian. Lagi dia selalu duk berjauhan dengan kami semua. Kadang cemburu jugak tengok kawan-kawan lab lepak dengan geng masing2. Kawan baru kawan lab ni, tiada yang betul2 sekepala, aku yang tak cukup serasi dengan diorang. Aku mungkin tak segila-gila diorang semua, so ye aku seorang yg membosankan. Yang ade pun dah berkahwin jugak. Hmm mungkin aku kena kahwin kot. Tapi ntahla. Orang yang datang berkawan pun semuanya penipu. Masing2 punya girlfriend tapi still cari call aku. Ape punya perangai la jantan keparat ni. Pantang betul orang sakitkan hati perempuan. Aku pun takkan sakitkan hati perempuan lain. Biar aku yg undur diri. Diorang yang lelaki tak guna ni nak sorok macam mane pun tetap kantoi kalau aku yang stalk. Sampai lubang cacing pun aku mampu cari klau aku nak. Dua kali kena.  Nasibla tak feeling sangat pun. Kalau tak mahunya depression aku.

Pasal belajar. Aku tak serajin dulu. Ni paling aku takut. Ni masa depan aku! Mungkin lack motivation kot. Puas aku cari tapi ntahla tak jumpa. Contoh aku tengah writing paper. 2 hari aku cuba nak siapkan atleast one part. Tapi langsung takboleh fokus! Dulu aku boleh draft banyak paper, so bila sv nak just edit je tinggal tapi sekarang hampeh. Sem 5 dah tapi satu paper pun tak siap draft lagi. Apetah experiment. Mmg takde mood je memanjang. Ape nak jadiii. Nanti scholarship abis ko makan ape weh. Nak kena bayar yuran lagi beribu riban. Kos sara hidup lagi. Tolonggglaaa mane motivation aku niii!!! Dulu masa zaman master kalau kawan lab buat experiment aku pun semangat jugak nak siapkan diorang tulis paper aku pun nak. Budak lab baru ni, makin dioarang bersemangat buat makin down pulak aku rasa. Dah kenapa??? Mungkin expectation terlalu tinggi kot nak jadikan diorang motivation. Diorang dah tahap inspirasi dah agaknya huhu. Ye budak lab baru ni masing masing boleh kata perfect! Pandai, cantik, genius, english power gila, berkepimpinan, rajin gila nak mampus so susah aku nak kejar semua tu or imposible utk kejar. Sebab aku tak kejar lah diorang tak leh jadi motivation tuk aku. Lagi diorang pun ade ujian hidup yang bukan sikit, hebat ujian diorang but still.... Diorang manage to overcome all the obstacles..power memang power. Dulu ade sorang je budak lab yg dikatakan genius rajin, ni lab baru hampir semua! Pastu lecturer lab baru sume dah biasa handle budak genius. Aku ni ape jela. Sebelah mata je. Except supervisor aku. Syukur jugak aku dapat supervisor yang tak buat aku rasa loser. Alhamdulillah tak salah aku pilih. Well, ni semua apa yg aku rasa, aku percaya lecturer semua kt lab tu takde pun anggap aku mcm tu.

Oklah. Biasalah tulis blog malam2 memang pelik sikit feeling dia. Biasanya hari siang aku tak rasa pun sangat apa yang aku rasa memalam buta ni. Or mungkin tak sedar rasa tu. Huhu. Kbye.